Something only certain people in my life know is that my husband and I have been suffering from infertility. Now, with that said, so does the entire internet. After multiple rounds of fertility treatments and IUIs, we still have not been able to conceive. This has been extremely hard and I believe has played a large part into my seeking an outlet through abusing alcohol and medications. Or my desire to “escape” through obsessive reading in my free-time. Or my desire to blog about anything and everything. Essentially, try to do everything except think about the problem at hand.

I do not rightly recall the problem of infertility causing issues in my marriage. Instead, what has caused the issues, are the surface problems such as irritability, lack of control, anxiety, depression, and – of course – abusing alcohol and prescription drugs. To be honest, I don’t think that infertility has caused any real issues… But then again, I guess it has in retrospect it caused all of the other issues and the infertility itself was the real underlying issue.

So with that in mind, look at everything that being infertile has caused. One big thing that I can tell that it helped manifest is my Bipolar 2 Disorder to “come out” and be diagnosed. As well as made my anxiety and depression worse while at the same time attributing to my abusing alcohol and medications. Just the same, I have noticed that my self esteem is pretty “shot” as well. I don’t look at my self the same way that I used to, you know? I used to think of myself as a normal human being capable of being loved. Now, I just see myself and a meat suit and a bag of bones. My attitude has definitely changed. I am trying to be positive but I have noticed that I have taken on a more pessimistic attitude because of the news of our infertility.

And you want to know what makes it all that much more worse? To know that you are infertile because of who you are. My husband is fine. His sperm count and motility are all above average. But me. I am the reason we are infertile. Primary Female Infertility. Whether it be that one of my Fallopian tubes is blocked or my uterus isn’t healthy – whatever the reason – we suffer from primary female infertility.

It really makes me think that I am worthless as a human being. My body doesn’t work normal. As if my mental illnesses were not enough to make me feel bad about myself, now we know that our future and a mother and father is non-existent because of me.

When I was a little kid I wanted a lot of things. One of the main things being, I wanted to be married and I wanted to be a mama. On top of wanting to be an archeologist. I wanted to be a mama. *looks slightly disappointed* Well, looks like those dreams won’t come true. Reality is much different then the unguided dreams of a child.

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